Back when the COVID-19 pandemic first started to intensify, I reached out to my network of mental health professionals, asking the question, “what are clients feeling right now?” “What are you feeling right now?” The responses I got back were overwhelmingly riddled with anxiety, fear, and uncertainty. The specific reasons for the fear and anxiety were unique to each individual, but the common theme was fear and uncertainty. I even wrote an article about how we can manage that fear and uncertainty in Narrow Magazine in order to validate people and offer some sort of self-help comforts.
But as this crisis plays out and we are quarantined longer and longer, I believe we are experiencing more and more loss. Alongside our anxiety, fear, and uncertainty, we are grieving… grieving for loved ones lost, grieving a loss of routine, a loss of normalcy. We are grieving our daily connections with friends, family, coworkers, etc. We are grieving the important events we looked forward to— our birthday parties, weddings, even funerals. And in this time of crisis, when we need other people the most, we are without them by our side.
For me, it’s not anxiety that’s most prominent (it’s totally okay if it is for you) and I found myself feeling disconnected from what I was hearing from my colleagues, my friends, and my family. It just wasn’t quite describing my experience. Then I heard David Kessler, a grief and grieving expert, on a podcast talking about feeling grief in this pandemic, and it totally clicked with me. What I’m feeling is a sense of loss. Wow. I hadn’t really pinpointed it until that moment.
Grief is an emotional experience where anything goes— all feelings are valid. You may feel angry, depressed, anxious, or perhaps even at peace. Your mind might race thinking of every scenario that led us here and how we could have prevented it. You might be feeling regret for not preparing for something like this- financially, mentally, physically, etc. Or maybe the only way to explain it is simply feeling pain.
A feeling of– This is just wrong… it’s unfair.
Maybe you’re able to feel gratitude and even joy in some moments. Grief is not a linear or one-size-fits-all experience, it is messy, it is painful, it is real. If you’ve ever lost someone close to you, you know how it feels. But everyone grieves differently, and the same person will grieve different losses in different ways as well.
If you’re relating to this at all, here’s what you can do— feel your feelings. I know, not what you wanted to hear. The fact is, grief is a natural healing process that takes place after a great loss. If you don’t feel those feelings, you will get stuck and you will invite unnecessary suffering into your life. Remember this— pain in life is unavoidable, but suffering is not.
Here are 6 ways to feel your feelings:
- Notice them
- Name them (if you need help, check this out)
- Experience them
- Express them in healthy ways
- Get it all out
- Use them to help you
Easier said than done, right? First, you have to notice your feelings— tune in to your inner experience. What are you feeling? Use the feelings wheel to help you name it. What word matches best? Notice if you are creating any ways to block or suppress your emotions. Experience the emotion— what does it feel like? Where do you feel it in your body? Why are you feeling it? What’s behind it?
Now that you know what it is, it’s time to express it, to get it out…
Ways to express painful emotions:
- Share it with a safe person
- Write it down
- Do something creative (write a song, paint a picture, etc.)
- Grief-specific questions to ask your emotion— what did I lose? Why was it important to me? What will life be like now going forward? How can I get my needs met now?
Beyond feeling your feelings, one thing you can do is work towards finding meaning in single moments. You don’t have to create meaning out of this whole pandemic yet… perhaps you never will. But in our day-to-day, managing grief and making meaning could look like— acknowledging the opportunity to read to your kids more, the opportunity to help others, the opportunity to see the value in normalcy, an opportunity to connect with others (via phone or internet) etc. You don’t need to find gratitude in this crisis, that’s not what I’m saying, but finding some way to wrap your head around this will help you move through the pain.
Our world has changed forever, and that is scary. We’ve lost human connection, normalcy, routine, human lives, economic security, feelings of certainty of the future, and the list goes on. We are being confronted with the fact of our existential finality— tomorrow is not guaranteed. Normalcy is not guaranteed.
Ouch, that hurts.
We will move through this experience and move forward; most definitely not in the same way as before. But for now, I hope that this helps in some way— to validate you, to connect with you, and to offer you some practical guidance for managing emotions during these wild and troublesome times. Right now, you may feel alone, but you’re not. Take care of yourself and stay safe.